No Need to Argue

Someone sometimes becomes so special to you that you would never wanna lose them. So much so that you forget the reality of life and start living in that fantasy world of that someone being always there for you for the rest of their lives.

But then, one day someone bring you back with a jolt and you know that what you were dreaming of will never happen. That someone belongs to someone else and one day, whether we like it or not, will go away. Everything that there is now, will be a memory and a dream. Something that might evoke one of the 2 reactions, you will be raging mad or you will be expressionless. It would matter.

Well in most cases, the world based on the fantasy evokes the latter reaction. But that person is etched in your memory for ever, you treasure them for the rest of your life. Some things come in between and there is distance. You start preparing yourself that one day they will go and it will never be the same again.

Somewhere in your mind, you know that you will lose them. Like a gust of wind – they will be swept away from your life and there wont be a trace of them besides in your memory. You will remember all the things that you once shared with them, you always consoled yourself that it will work out fine and then after it has all happened, you think if it was a waste?

Well, you will forget it all in time and try and live the dream that you treasured and nurtured for all this while. You cant run away from it, you cant forget about it, you can only look back and cherish the moments and be happy that they happened rather than being sad and thinking what did not happen.

At this point, let Cranberries take over with “No Need To Argue”

There’s no need to argue anymore
I gave all I could
But it left me so sore
And the thing that makes me mad
Is the one thing that I had

I knew, I knew, I’d lose you
You’ll always be special to me

WHILE

Not written in a while. Not been in touch for a while. Well yeah even 3-4 days seem like a while especially when you are used to talking to someone as much as twice a day, and suddenly you or they disappear.Its funny actually, how dependant we can be on someone. How can we be so dependant on someone and how that someone become’s a partner whom you can share everything with yet not expect any sympathy or feedback coz you know it all exists and its all unsaid.

But slowly you get used to it, slowly you respect it and you start weaning yourself off from that someone but the feelings remain, guess they will remain for a while or maybe forever.You start looking forward to some things and you start deriving pleasure. Instead of having a sad approach to things you start appreciating things. Life doesn’t suck anymore and you find it all funny and take everything with a pinch of salt.

Some friends start seeming dearer and some completely a pain. You start distancing yourself from some and become closer to others. Something’s in life derive a new meaning. You start valuing and cherishing some things and respecting others.

There could have been causes and effects. Causes of what happened and effects of what happened, sometimes its good and sometimes its bad, how we take it and how we deal with it, its in our head. Something that we have been expecting and it doesn’t happen, can lead to one of the 2 things, one, we either get demoralised and start cribbing or we get our much deserved peace of mind. I use this space of vent out my feelings, and it usually happens when i’m not at peace with myself, but considering i haven’t written in a while, would mean that i’m at mental peace, yes i am!

I know my job is good, i know that i have to work 6 days a week, i know how to plan my day off, i know i have a friend whom i can rely on with my life, i know that the one i love, doesn’t love me the way i do, i know that my family will stick by me, i know that i have a great number of friends, i know that i know.

Nothing seems more pleasureable than knowing the matters pertaining to the heart, those are the ones that cause the maximum anxiety. They are the ones that can cause sleepless nights, they are the ones that compel you to think a lot.Some things are better said than understood. Clears the air, takes care of the animosity, makes you aware on how you should react to things.

Paulo Coelho in his book, the alchemist, says that ‘forgetting is painful, waiting is painful, but not know which to do, is killing!’.

Resonance

Today is one of those days when I am at peace with myself. I haven’t got anything to think about, I haven’t got any random thoughts to ramble on, yet I feel like writing. Some things don’t matter anymore, some things don’t bother me anymore, and some things I don’t think about at all.

It’s a short lived nirvana! But its worth it in whatever ways and means it comes. Sometimes I become completely ignorant to things and people too, something that I hate about myself sometimes. But then as a friend of mine puts it, I should let go of things and stop and look around and take things the way they come instead of making things happen.

Living life on its terms has its own advantages and fun associated with it coz you really don’t know where the next twist is and where the next turn is, its like the first roller coaster ride, u don’t know when and where the next up or down will come or where the next drop or speed zone is going to be. But u also know that u will survive and live another day to tell your story, and u will have a happy ending coz entire life cannot be like a roller coaster – the brain dead feeling has to stop somewhere.

I am just tired, a little too tired. Till about 4 months back, I was like an insomniac and could not sleep, there were times when I would sleep just for 3 hours and be content. But know the brain numbing feeling takes over, compels me to put everything aside and rest a while. Maybe it’s the peace of mind that is taking over slowly. Maybe it is the ignorance!

Its maybe one of those things where u feel that if u can’t achieve something and it seems far away or the road seems treacherous then you should just rest a while, clear your thoughts and then get a head start! Or its just that its an empty feeling and the hollowness resonates and makes me ignore everthing. The dreams are still there, the wishes are still there, thoughts go around and come back to the same place as every… someone somewhere is out there, someone needs me, I need someone, maybe I do, maybe I don’t! well that’s not really for me to decide!

When something has to happen, it will and u and I cant to anything about it! Let the resonance continue, let it ring! Let the emptiness surround me, I can feel myself shouting from inside… I can feel myself trying to calm myself, I can feel the loudness inside of me, something that is waiting to escape!

Conspiracy Theory

Destiny and luck are 2 things that i firmly believe in. What happens when we don’t get something that we have wanted? We end up saying maybe it wasn’t in my destiny to get it, but when we get something we end up praising ourselves saying that oh see how hard i worked to achieve it. No credit to destiny or just pure luck.

There is only a limit to what we can do and how we can push ourselves. Maybe we tried, maybe we gave it all till the last breath. But if it isn’t in your destiny, it won’t ever happen. Another theory is that we make our own destiny. Yeah i agree. All that happens to or with us is a function of our acts in the past. So technically if we don’t get something, we must have deprived someone of something in the past. Had we been good, we would have got good.

Its like the butterfly effect, or chaos theory. The flutter of a butterfly’s wing is capable of causing a tornado halfway around the world, given that certain conditions are prevailing. So essentially one flutter is capable of causing a tornado in the near future.

Since our life and our surroundings are not utopia, so is the case with the butterfly effect. But when something is needed and dreamt for so bad, and all the conditions are against you, and you are giving it your best, the stars shine down on you and align themselves to work in your favour, so the end result is worth waiting for. Almost worth dying for.

Its all a conspiracy! How? Well when u want something, it has 2 possibilities - u either get it or you don’t. Its a conspiracy that destiny plans. If you aren’t supposed to get something, you never will. But if you are supposed to, then the entire universe will conspire for it to happen!

HIGH

Some things in life can give you a high beyond compare. No I’m not talking about the high that one gets from the intake of certain substances, chemical or natural.

The high here is something that is beyond words and descriptions. Picture this, you are on a deserted island without food for a couple of days, but you’ve managed to survive. Then suddenly someone out of the blue appears and lays out a seven course meal, how would that feel? Or even for that matter home cooked food! It’s like a feeling that will make you hit the roof!

Now picture something that can make your worst day worth remembering unlike otherwise. Something that you do or someone whom you either talk to or meet and you don’t think about bad things that have happened all that comes to your mind is that life is beautiful and totally worth it.

The thing about getting such a high is that it’s completely natural without any hangover. It can shine on you for days together, it can make you smile even way after it’s over coz it’s etched in your memory that it plays back to you scene after scene, frame by frame. And whenever you think about it, it makes all the tensions vanish; it makes all thoughts about having any botherations disappear.

Sometimes life takes its own time in materializing. Sometimes it can happen without warning. Usually it’s the bad that comes without warning, but the tremendous high that a good thing can give you when it comes without warning is a feeling that can be described only to someone who has experienced it.

I’m a big believer of destiny, and I know for a fact that, if something has to happen to you or if you’re supposed to get something then the whole universe will conspire for it to happen. But if something isn’t a part of the destiny, it will not come to you no matter how much we try. All efforts will go vain. The best thing to do in situations would be to just take the way things come, give it whatever you’re capable of and then just wait for it to reach that end of the road where the result will be known.

I met her, yes HER. The same person who told me that I’m wasting my time on her coz me and her will never happen. I can confess that there wasn’t a hint of animosity, there wasn’t any inhibitions. She is a dear friend; she will remain dear and grow dearer as time passes. The bond of Friendship prevailed. It was like 2 buddies hooking up after a long time. Seeing her made my day, week, month, and even my year. Seeing her relieved me of the entire trauma that I was having since morning. Seeing her was the best thing that happened to me. She was warm and friendly as ever. She was loving, affectionate as she always is.

I cherish her. I adore her. She makes me believe in destiny even more, I am eager to know what’s in store for me. I want to know how my life will shape up.

Sanity Should Prevail

She has vanished after she told me. I don’t blame her. It was something she would have dreaded writing to the same person twice!

Yes something like this happened with her some years back, when someone told her that he loves her and she had to reply to that tell him that, its not going to happen. Yes that was me again. Some years back. Trying to tell her what I feel and what she is to me!

It’s about choices that people make. She has made a choice and I have made mine, for her it works for me it doesn’t

It’s all a part of the same coin. She wins, I lose. I win, she loses! But there is a difference. I want her to win. And I know she will. She is a fighter in her own right. She will come out eventually as one with the upper hand.

I will be happy. I know for a fact that when she plans to settle down with him, she will go away from my life. She will be lost in the crowd, and create her own world away from me. I dread that because, it would mean an end to a friendship that is dear, that is close to my heart (for obvious reasons)

She seems more affected by the situation than I am; she seems more reserved and doesn’t know how I will react to it and what I shall say to her!

Shall be fine! I have had a lot on the back of mind and I know that I have sometime to come to realize and work my way to sanity. Sanity will come knocking at my door sometime sooner or later. Future isn’t what u ant I can look to coz we don’t know what it’s going to be!

If only it was easy to attain a future by looking up to it, I would have changed a lot of things and the situation would have been different, as a friend puts it - u are divided between reality and fantasy! And I truly respect your stand on it - I guess I would have done the same had I been in your place!

Love is difficult, true love is elusive! Rejection causes dejection - only sanity should prevail for us to come out as winners!

BLANK

I’m too confused to know. I know I aint worried about finding someone to talk to

What would life be if we got what we always wanted? Actually utopia would suck after a while. Like I’m giving 100% to something and it’s not working. So I’m up to giving 300%

But then again why do we just give up without trying, I think we all are capable of giving more that 100% but we give up at 90% thinking it’s not going to happen. Without even going that whole yard

And even if we do, we sulk saying I gave it all without any result. Instead we should be happy that we gave it

Is it always circumstances? Is it always the surrounding that hinders something not working out? Or we just need something to put the blame on?

We never want to accept the fact that we failed. As humans from the time we enter this world we have taught to win, it’s more like from the first minute we are corrupted. We are trained to be savages. We can fight our own to get what we want and we do. Irrespective. Irrelevant!

Why do our needs always get suppressed by our wants?

Is it actually wrong or illogical to dream of something in the future? As in something you feel is the best thing for you?

You try hard to make that happen or get what you want. You fight the world for it. The savage in you wakes up and you don’t care about the world. But then you realize that it’s never going to happen, even if you walk the yard

I know it’s contradictory to the fact that you won’t know till you have reached the end. But there are those intuitive feelings and surroundings that indicate otherwise

Nothing in particular, life in general I think, MY LIFE IN GENERAL

But what about your life is making u feel like that? U got a fab job & lovely parents’ n relatives’ gr8 pals

So your life is pretty sorted from where I c it

It’s your perspective. But it might not be the way it is. There are always some missing links between true and absolute happiness or rather current and final happiness

I’d say current happiness is materialistic happiness. Walking the yard leads to the ABSOLUTE happiness, bliss. As I choose to put it. But I guess bliss cannot be attained without the fighting that it needs, without the attention it demands, without the priorities. And priorities keep changing. Attention spans are short. Not everyone is a fighter. It’s confusing.

It’s what makes Bliss so blissful and worth the effort I guess. Haven’t attained it. Would want to see the light at the end. Want it to be painless, but that won’t happen. Want everything my way but it’s not meant to be

Are you bored? Or baffled? Or lost?

Baffled, totally! I don’t get d context pretext, or any text!

Well I don’t know if there is a con or a pre to this text. I wish I could tell u exactly why and where this is coming from. But I just can’t

Perspectives change. People change. Preferences change. Hate changes. Love changes. Surroundings change. Circumstances change. So let’s not plan. Let’s take it the way it comes. After so many changes happening simultaneously. It’s better to take things in the moment

I don’t know where to start. I’m in the jumble of things. Two ends in both my hands. Trying to untangle the mystery that gets deeper with each effort with each passing day, the destination seems farther. The goal seems unreachable even though I think I’m walking towards it.……It all draws up to a BLANK!

Soooooooooooo many thoughts n yet a blank

Ironic! Coz the end of this puzzle takes you right back where it started. Why is it like this? Why can’t I have a happy ending?

Maybe u r wasting your effort on a wrong thing, maybe some things aren’t meant to be

But then. If I haven’t walked the yard, how do I know if it wasn’t worth pursuing? Or it wasn’t meant to be?

Well then walk d yard n get it over wid. u will know for sure thenI appreciate that whole heartedly!

I m confounded

Confounded? I’ve heard about dumb founded. What is confounded?

I m confused

Oh ok. About what?

This mindless psycho babble?

I m confounded with what u r saying!

Irrelevant ramblings of the confused mind and soul?

I just hope it’s all irrelevant. That is all

Irrelevant to whom? You? Me? Or world in general?

Irrelevant for u

Everything remains unanswered. Everything remains the way it was. I fight. I loose. I try I fail. But the pleasure of fighting till the end will be the bliss.

And FIGHT I shall. No stopping me in that. Even though I know the end result. But the great efforts have won a lot. I shall give me a shot at the winning slot

Kudos to your spirit, so typically u!

Ok love. Just be the way you are. Don’t change. You are the best I know and I respect that more than anything else

And Sahil whatever it is…..I m sure your killer spirit will make u a winner always, I m so glad for that Sahil I really m! Thanks big J

You are the sunshine! Always remember! You have been, will be special for me for years to come.

U know Sahil I must done something rite to have a pal like u!

Inspiration or Rejection?

She said today that maybe I am wasting my time and I should stop pursuing her and get a life o my own. And I should forgive her for she cannot be with me, coz she adores me and respects me as a friend. And nothing more. All this while it’s been one sided! I love her and she loves me, but she doesn’t love me the way I do.

I have never been afraid of rejection because I have never had anything to lose. In all my endeavors I have given all I could, but then I guess it wasn’t the ‘made for each other’. I guess it’s all about destiny – people say that it can happen, anything can happen, anytime. I believe it. She refusing doesn’t change my attitude towards her, she remains as dear as it gets! No hang ups! I have lost before, I have lost this time too, it’s becoming a habit – but I aint complaining.

But she is so dear to me that I can’t think of anyone else but her, I just can’t figure my life without her. Why doesn’t life give u all that you want? Why is it so picky and choosy in letting you decide what is good for you!?

A friend of mine had a beautiful way of putting it. He says that it’s a dilemma for her; she has reality close to her and has her ideal fantasy some distance away. But like human nature, it’s very difficult to accept fantasy even though you have been in contact with it. She has taken the right decision – she has chosen the path with all her sense and sensibility that prevails her at this moment.

I am trying to understand this from her perspective, what would she be feeling? on one hand she has someone whom she has been with for 6 years and has been there with her and for her in her thick and thin, then there is me, who she hasn’t met in almost 8 years and I am still there - talking to her each day, comforting her and maybe shamelessly trying to tell her that I too love her and maybe I am the one she should be with!

On a very broad perspective, or rather on a 3rd party perspective, what would she be feeling? I mean that divide is there but it’s not a 50-50 divide, it’s more of an 80-20 divide against me, coz maybe she doesn’t know me, maybe she doesn’t really understand me. Maybe she doesn’t know how to deal with me. She and I have gotten close, very close in fact, maybe closer than we have ever been, she has shared her life with me, and I have shared my life with her.

I have tried to tell her that I am there for her, but am I? Sitting some 1400 km away from her, I can’t even rescue her, all I can do is pick up the phone and comfort her if she needs me, but till this day she hasn’t tasked me for any support, I feel sometimes that I force myself on her and try to get all the information out of her.She is someone who is so dear to me that it’s difficult to understand the boundaries. I can push myself to do anything for her, so I feel and so I shall.She is someone who is so dear to me and been through so much at such a young age that I want to see her happy and loved and content – and I think that it’s only me who can give her this.

I am constantly thinking what I should be doing to make her mine? I am a simple and straight forward guy and I cannot manipulate anyone for getting me happy, I cannot cross the thin red line I am treading, I just cannot, so what do people like me do? What do we do to get a result in our favor and come out winning? I don’t know and I have been trying to figure that out myself

Chances of something like this are very rare, don’t see something like this happening very soon, till then its battle royale for someone I love, try and be with her within the limits of reality and sanity.

I only wish she knew!

But then destiny is what makes things happen!!

Only Richard Marx comes to my mind right now

Oceans apart day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line
But it doesn’t stop the pain
If I see you next to never
How can we say forever
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you