Its about ME

i havent written my blog for close to 2 months now. i know why... i was scared.... i still am.... scared of what i might end up writing. what kind of heart pouring would it be.

i am letting off the steam today, its been boiling within me for a long time. its like my very own Quarter Life Crisis! yes, its my very one moments of sitting back and looking at things in a different light altogether, i sense worry within me, around me, my family, and even friends who really really care and genuinely wanna help me.

i have come to realise that there are a lot of things about me that i didnt know myself. there are a lot of things that i dont like about myself, i feel the lack of confidence, the want and need to be wanted and loved, the need for a steady career, the need and want of a future, the want and need of some stability.

i just did a wikipedia search for "Quarter Life Crisis" and i came across some characteristics of a Quarter Life Crisis, just listing some of them down which make sense to my current situation, so i feel

• feeling "not good enough" because one can't find a job that is at one's academic/intellectual level
• frustration with relationships, the working world, and finding a suitable job or career
  confusion of identity
• insecurity regarding the near future
• insecurity regarding present accomplishments
• nostalgia for university, college, or high school life
• financially-rooted stress
• loneliness
• a sense that everyone is, somehow, doing better than you

i really dont know why, but this is suddenly making perfect sense, I go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with my friends about the same topics because I cannot seem to make a decision.

suddenly everyone around me is doing great in life and things have just started working for them and here i am, whiling away my time, sleeping at 4 in the morning, sometimes 6, and sometimes not sleeping at all, i try desperately to think straight and figure what i have to do and wait in hope of something to come by and sweep all the worry out or maybe still under the carpet for sometime.

its kinda getting too much to handle, not many people to talk about, and even if i dom its the same things i end up talking about, hate being a part of social gatherings and comepletely hate the dilema thats in my head right now. i try and grip all my friends as tight as i can hold on coz i am completely insecure and dont wanna lose them, sometimes i do it way to much and might end up damaging the relationship than doing any good.

Usually occurs sometime in your twenties, a few years out of school and still feel as though you're waiting for you're life to begin.

For most people it will be arround twenty five years of age (give or take a year or two) as this tends to be when you're way of thinking is starting to change beyond that of a high school or college student. Most people realise they've reached this age if they talk to teens online and realise their way of thinking/talking/interact ing etc is considerably diffrent and/or they're starting to refer to teens as 'kids'.

I walk and walk and the time passes away,
seconds become minutes become hours become days.
there is some strees, there is anxiety and a little worry,
life still continues to move in a maddening hurry

One thing i read about recently is the notion that we are all connected through our dreams. For instance, if I had a dream about anyone, then I must have appeared in their dream last night, too. It's really a silly thought, but it means that every stranger who has appeared in my dreams has seen me, too - even if I am just a face in the crowd!!