=+=~ Entry & Exit =+=~

My life has a unique story when it comes to friends & friendship! Coming from army background I never had any childhood friends or as commonly known as chaddi yaars! I have moved to new places every 3 years hence resulting in a new set of friends every time, this has been happening for as long as I remember!

But there have been a few that I have held onto since class XI & XII! But then things haven't gone the way as I hoped or planned! I have only 2 people who I can call buddies from school, there are the people with whom I have seen some very good times!

The next set of very close friends comes from graduation, but then here again its limited to a very select few. These people are the ones who have beea part of my life when the most maturing part of my life occurred, growing up, maturing, becoming smarter & becoming an extrovert that I am today!

The post graduation days had their own charm, but may not be not the most fond regarding certain black chapters & bac-stabbers! But then again that's a thing of te past & wouldn't wanna relive them. None the less these things build u up as a person & make u stronger!

Then there are people who have become friends along the way of my life, so to say that we met in the most random manner & just stuck on for something nice & exviting over short spans of time! Right now there are 2 such people with whom I can share & talk about anything under the sun, night or day & even the oddest of hours!

My life in terms of friendship has been in phases! I have never had someone with whom I could constantly pour my heart out! Right now its just one person & I have a feeling that its here to stay! I feel bad to treat this new found friend like a punching bag, trying to burden her with my problems & stupidity!

The other close friend so to say is going to be gone soon! In the sense away from where she is right now! I have spent the most exciting times with her & even one stupid incident, But I guess its all a part of the relationship that u share with a person, its the highs & lows of friendship that teach you a lot & make u experienced as a human being to understand who is worth it & who is not. It basically improves & strengthens your people skills!!

But, I have lost a lot of friends in the process & it hurts a lot to lose someone who is close to u & means something to u & has been there through thick & thin! I don't wanna lose any more friends, I was on the verge of losing one about 10 days back but I guess something was with me & my luck saved it, buts not really the same as it was! Guess that will fit itself in perfectly or just vanisih into thin air as if it never existed. Time wil tell, & at time is coming very very soon!

Tresspassing!

now i can say that i have a history! its like carrying baggage! its many times in a row now. i guess i have this uncanny knack of trying to hook myself up with people who dont wanna be with me or these people are not the right people for me! i guess its like a gift! no matter how hard i try i just cant seem to control it!

i feel i should give up and stay detached the way i am! or is it that i get attached to people very easily or i trust people easily, just to end up hurting myself beyond belief. hurting myself so that i lose faith in certain relationships and this leads to me trying to hold on tight to those people that i have and those who are dear to me, in the process i strangle them and lose them too.

i lost a friend today! a friend who was the breeze and who got the much wanted relief from the scorching heat that my life was going through! a friend said i should take it slow and enjoy the moment, enjoy the bliss and bask in the glory. i should try and feel loved. i guess its all shattered coz of my easy belief in people, coz of my blind faith in a certain few.

its all my fault and i bear the guilt. i bear the heart ache of losing this friend. i have always wanted someone like this all my life, maybe i am not accustomed to situations like these and tried to hard to hold on, so hard that i ended up hurting myself and a certain few.

i shall cherish the moments that i spent with this friend. they have been etched in gold in my memory and nothing can take it away. i feel i am people smart and i think i know how to handle myself in the big bad streets of life, but i guess thats all a myth. i am someone who is very naive and vulnerable and i get caught up and stuck up easily. i may come across this intimidating kinds but when people actually know me, they can exploit me for what i am and what i am worth!

i dont know how i will handle it when i meet this lost friend in a weeks time. things were so starry eyed and so surreal. but then the friend lost trust in me and said that we were better friends than all this and i guess we werent. for the friend to accept the facts is easy coz its this person who is on the outside and can take it as pinch of salt after all it hasnt been long that i became friends with this person.

but the internal turmoil and guilt is for me to bear for the rest of my life, its for me to tackle the situation everytime i see this friend of everytime the friends name is mentioned. i am on a holiday now and i took this time off to try and put my life in place and come out as a new rejuevnated person, guess destiny takes its own course and this was bound to happen, i was to face a day like this and i was destined to lose someone when i was away.

i bear the guilt, but there are certain truths that i might not know. another friend says i should stay clam and chill out and not think much about this. yet another friend says that i should behave in a gentlemanly way and let it pass. after all my judgement was good and i got somethings right. but whats the point i ponder? even if i knew and had to end up with this, it would have been better had i not known at all.

people say i deserve better than the crap i am getting now, they said this even 3 years back when a relationship ended. i guess the better things are not my way, its like once i see even the wee bit of positivity i try and grab it as end up messing things ups. i could cry right now, i could hang myself right now, coz its not something thats happened to me for the first time i should have learnt from my past and not repeated them in my future.

this friend will go away in a matter of another 25 days, i dont know if i would ever see this friend again, will i be ever in touch with this friend, coz starting today the process of severing all ties with me has started, the friend feels disgusted and doesnt know what to say!

true friendship is a gift,
oh so precious and rare,
sometimes we take it for granted,
sometimes we do despair,

our fault is being human,
mistakes are everywhere,
Please let me not lose the gift,
that is so precious & rare!

i have betitled a friendship today, so i feel. but they say this too shall pass as time is great healer. but at what cost i ask!? at whose expense? mine? the friends?

the answers dont seem to come, the future uncertain. the result unknown. all i know is that i am not heading a long way when it comes to situations like these as i am not equipped to handle them, i dont have that cutting edge to slash situations to suit my abilities. i have to move on. leaving all the sadness and despair behind. uncertain about the path that i tread. uncertain of a destinations. uncertainity looms like a sword above my head.

they say whatever happens, happens for the good. i dont know what good is coming out of this. only time will tell. i have lift myself and walk with dignity, yet this will always be at the back of my mind.

chatted & feel cheated

another feather in my cap! things never go my way when it comes to a certain things in life! feel cheated, feel played with, feel disgusting and a complete IDIOT!

i am glad that it doesnt end up the way i want it to, god know what would happen if it did! but still god save me!!! man its mind fucking!

Breeze...

She misses me too when i am not there
she calls me thrice a day
she told me that i should come back
me going for so long isnt fair

maybe she too likes me
but just as a friend i guess
talking to her is a relief and bliss
what she thinks even i cant see

she is naive and innocent
thats the best thing about her
she likes to have fun and be funny too
she is like the cool breeze that touches you on a warm summer day

she is pretty, she is prim & proper
she is dusky & cute and sometimes a whopper
she has this way about her, makes you wanna be with her
i like her, is all i know not for what she is but for what i am when i am with her!

i wish, only wish that u knew!

I told her that i like her
but she doesnt really care
she thinks i am playing with her
the random expressions here and there

she has come in my life and is special to me
great person and super fun to be
she is like the sunshine after a rainy day
all things bright and beautiful as they say

maybe she likes me too
but i really dont know
maybe she likes me too
but not the way i want her to

its the feeling of basking in some attention
its like the beauty of a flower in full bloom
its like finding someone in a new town
its like star gazing under the full moon

what she thinks i may never know
what she feels i may never know
she doesnt react to my attraction towards her
maybe she thinks i am not the one for her

hearing her voice makes me jump with joy
seeing her makes me hop, skip like a little boy
being with her is a treat to be
i dont really care what she thinks of me

isnt liking supposed to be selfless and true
it can drive away the bluest of blues
i like u and care for you
i wish, only wish that u knew!

Someone

I am such a fool when it comes to liking someone, maybe i get stuck to the wrong people or rather wrong women.... this someone is someone whom i cant get enuff of, i like hanging out with her, talking to her and going out with her, she is someone whom i am gone out the maximum number of times than anyone else in the past couple of years.... its a great feeling....

i like her, i know, she likes me, i dont know... i tried telling her this and she thought i was fooling with her and trying to take her trip. well women just dont tend to take me seriously, even if they do, they take me too seriously...

i was talking to someone about this, whose judgement i trust blindly... and he told me that i should take it easy and bask in the glory and bliss of hanging with a pretty lady... well i guess thats all i can do and feel happy about it...

i am out of town and i am missing her already.... spoke to her 4 times on the phone today and was slightly content... but then being in person is way better than speaking on the phone.

if she reads this, i dont know if she'll know its about her... but there are about 3 people who read this and know who i am talking about.... i hope she does too....

i like her the way she is... i like her for what she is... i will like her if she says no...

Meeting

There is always something about meeting someone face to face for the first time, i had a been speaking to 2 of my friends for a long time and planning a meeting with then for god knows how long, but the first meeting when it began, was slightly awkward... there were long pauses and silence... there was this initial hitch on what to talk and even where to look... there also was this whole stupidity of cracking the silly ones and making a boo boo of yourself....

but then things settled down and looking really promosing, yeah for the good. things were smooth as a whistle after some time and conversation grew and time just flew... 2 hours went by with the bat of an eyelid...

yeah it was super, so super that we wanna do this again and really soon! i am gonna meet these 2 new friends again in a jiffy...

there was friend from office who joined me... and when i told her that i am meeting these friends of mine for the first time she was shocked with the chemistry we shared.. it was great fun...

looking forward to meeting agian.... u guys simply rock!