been a while since i wrote! there is too much thats been happening... there are sometimes when nothing has happened. i did not have much to write about, or i did and there was too much to write about!

Its been a monster of a week! its been a nightmare! have slept very well through the week, i am in office on a saturday! such is life! its been a numb week! i have just absorbed things, i have just been a spectator! i got high last night but one knew!! i wanna get high again tonight!

been a long time since i got smashed! i actually dont remember the last time i actually got smashed! been a while i guess... but yesterday was good... after 5-6 rum & cokes i was on a happiness trip. i wasnt slurring or anything just that feeling of being light headedness... and then i was chatting with her... and i was mistyping a lot of things... but the sad part is that i couldnt tell her that i feel for her, coz she knows already.. she has known it for the last 6 years or so and we are the best of friends... thats the drawback... but then that conversation was fun!

this week is turing out to be a monster of a fortnight! havent been able to sleep properly or concentrate on anything... been sleeping about 3 hours and getting whacked at office... its not that i am not putting in the requisite, but then i guess its the expectations that i am not being able to match, or its just that my support systems are not in place... whatever the reason, it aint a comfortable situation and i am facing the music!

its been something that i have been expecting coz tis has been on the cards for a while. its more like an impulse thing where people just thought that now is the time to put the words in action and see where we are at... but my backend team wasnt prepared for it i guess and its boiled down to me handling somethings which i was capable of, but i buckled! and i failed in doing what i had to!!

it all burst like a bubble when the 'monday morning blues' turned to all colors of the color pallete and their i was... fending all the things that i had imagined and a lot more that i hadnt! it was feeling of being lost in an island with nothing to fend for.. and all i can see was the water all around and nowhere to go!

so many times this happens... u know everything and u think u can pull it off... you brace urself for the worst and then something hits u! u go into a tizzy and dont really know the force and the magnitude of what coming... u are a mere spectator seeing down the barrels of a firing squad, just there to take you out and not leave a speck of you!

when the volcano has erupted u sit and analyse as to what went wrong.. then the whole theory of the blame game starts and u think of excuses as to why did the goof up happen! and then somethign within you says that u should own up and take the blame... whats the harm... u are showing responsibilty and u shall be honoured and rewarded for it, maybe u were chosen for the task that no one could have done or were not capable of doing... in the process u learn a lot about yourself and also learn what has to be done in future situations like these.. maybe u wont get rewarded at work but then the biggest reward is the learning that would help u go through the ups and downs!

what a roller coaster! what a life! what a way to get though things... leaves a bad taste in your mouth and u dont wanna face it again... it causes a lot of irritation and a feeling fof being a loser, not to mention the other things that have been playing on our minds! but thats what we have to fend through be what u are!

god bless my soul!

The Quest!

i am a tad bit mind fucked and irritated. its one of those days where there is too much going on ur mind and u dont know what to think, u dont know whats troubling u the most and what needs priority thinking. there is a time when u get the whole theory of thinking wrong. u dont even know if what u are thinking will affect u in the future or no or if what u are thinking will actually happen or no.

well this is on such time when i am pondering over a lot of things...pondering over my past life, pondering over the future, about friends, about finances, about relationships, about meeting people, about a lot of things, a work and life in general. then there are times when u dont have anyone to talk to or maybe just that u dont wanna talk to anyone or be with anyone, talk to anyone. this is the time when you need someone close to you but the silence is required.its like u need a friend close to u but dont wanna talk just that without a word u know there is someone who wud be with you.

then there is this pal of mine, she is the best friend i have. i can talk to her about anything. talk to her about my deepest fears, about lowest points, about my happiest points she knows me, she is there for me. i have always wanted to have a friend like her and would die for it. you know whats the best part about us, we have known each other for the past 8 years and each day we rediscover each other even more. also we havent met each other in almost 7 years. but we are in touch, almost everyday and its great to know that there is someone who gives a patient ear to what u got to say, whenever u got to say.

u there are so many of us who need someone to talk to all the time. most of us are so lonely sometimes that we get into a shell and build walls around us and no matter how hard we try we have these 2 faced personalities, or even multi-faced personalities. there is lot of fooling, laughing and fun when i am at work or with friends. but there are people or i should say there are a select few people take make me feel myself when talking to them or when i meet them.

but we are so scared sometimes of our capabilities that we end up losing faith in ourselves and then we are too scared to harness our own capabilities and end up being average, thats how a star becomes average. but then as they say beware of the anger of a patient man, that how it works here too... it takes a little time for us to wake up and shake ourselves up and realise what we are capable of... its only then we realise the possibilities that lay ahead of us and how we can contribute in our right.

i have written this before but it remains my favourite and will for a long time... Life's like having a cup of tea. You sit by the window, lift the cup & take a careless sip, only to realise, somebody forgot to put the sugar. Too lazy to go for it, you somehow struggle through the sugarless cup -Till you discover undissolved sugar crystals lying at the bottom..

if life throws lemons at you, make lemonade. if life throws scraps at you, make a quilt. 10% of life is what happens to you and the 90% is what you make of it...

...That's LIFE.

Inspiration!!!

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate; our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light and not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so other people wont feel insecure around you. We were all meant to shine as children, its not just in some of us, its in everyone. And as we let our own life shine, we unconsciously give other people the permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear. Our presence automatically liberates others!!"

someone.....

kaash hota humara bhi koi pyaar
keh sakte hum usse apna jodidaar
lagta nahi ki humaari aisi kismat
log kehte hain pyaar hota hai musibat

kisi ka saath nahi hota musibat yaar
keh nahi sakte jyaada kyonki kua nahi kisi se pyaar
pyaar ka humein hain sirf ek tajurba
nakara gaya hai humien kai martaba

nahi lagta humein naakaari se darr
bus milna chahiye ek sahi dilbar
jo samjhe aapke sab jazbaat
kar sake haseen har mulaqaat

nahi chahiye apne jodidaar mein kuch khaas
bus ho sake jitna, rahe utna paas
samajhdaar aur ho thodi si khoobsurat
maangte nahi hum koi chaand ki murat

ek seedhi saadhi ladki ki hai talaash
par ab tak hue hain hum thode niraash
kismat mein nahi shayad jodidaar
akhir humein bhi toh hona chahiye kisi se pyaar

shayad hum mein hi hai koi khot
acche dikhne ka nahi hai dhamkedaar visfot
humaare kareeb bhi aayegi koi ek din
jeeye hain aaj tak tere bin!

Dedication

Shukraguzaar hain hum upar waale ke, ki hui aapse mulaqaat
shayaad aap hain woh jo samajh sakte hain hain jazbaat
milahai ek khoobsoorat nazrana aapke roop mein
shukra hai thodi raahat hai jeevan ki iss dhoop mein

zyaada samay ki nahi hai baat
jaisi bhi hai haseen hai mulaqaat
kaise bhi ho, aapke achaar vichaar
bhaate ho humein mere yaar

jeevan mein dosti ki alava shayad hi kuch sahi humne paaya
accha hai jo bhi jalat tha, dosti ke badaulat humne gavaya
aye yaar humaare, tum ho humko pyaare
tumhaari vajah se hue hain jeevan ke yeh din nyaare

koi gila shikwa ho agar humse
har dena maaf, yeh aasha hai tumse
iraada nahi tha rakhne ka koi bhi khataa
anjaane mein hui bhoolon ka nahi hai pataa

agar samajhte hain aap humein dost saccha
ya lagta hai humaare baare mein aapko kuch bhi accha
dost samajh ke kar dena maaf
ho sake to saare gile shikwe kar dijiyega maaf

maana ki bahut lamba nahi hai humara saath
phir bhi badhate hain kar kisi ki taraf dosti ka haath
agar lagta hai ki ho sakta hai humara saath gawaaraa
samajhna mat is dosti ko naakaara

yehi hai ek dost ki aarzoo aaj
ho sake toh dukh mein dena aawaaz
aayenge hum jhat se aapke paas
samjhein aap kitna bhi maamooli ya khaas

dosti mein ho sakti hai oonch-neech
par kuch nahi aata do doston ke beech
bharosa aur pyaar hota hai dosti ka kaayda
dekhte nahi hum nafa ya faayeda

hum yeh nahi keh rahe ki humaari dosti hai perfect yaar
par humein dijiye mauka ek baar
shayaad dosti mein de sakein hum aapko pyaar
aise ek mauke ki liye hain hum sadaa tayyar!

Love In Friendship

Dosti mein mohabat kahin ho na jaaye yaaron
Humein sambhaalo kahin fizal na jaaye pyaaron
Harz kya hai ki Dosti badal jaaye Pyaar mein
Zindagi bitnani na hogi intezaar mein

Koi dost hi itna haseen ho sakta hai
Jo tumhe jaanta hai aur phir bhi dil chura sakta hai
Ghabrana nahi agar ho jaye dosti mein pyaar
Yeh bhi zindagi ka pehlu hai mere yaar

Agar kisi dost ko ho tumse pyaar
badalna mat uske liye apne vichaar
kyon ghabraate ho ki dosti mein ho nahi sakta pyaar
yehi hota hai saccha... pyaar jo deta hai ek yaar

dosti mein pyaar ki kadar karo yaar humare
shayaad hum bhi ho sakte hain pyaar tumhare
nikal na jaaye ek mauka haathon se pyaar
firoge phir dhoondhte usse maare maare!

i am addicted, atleast i feel so. i am addicted to writing my blog and letting it all out. there have been times when i have posted as many as 4 posts in a day (whew)!!

i try and write about something or the other, may it be a conversation or may it be an incident, may it be something interesting or disturbing that may have happened during the day or could simply be random ramblings (i love this phrase)

i dont think i have many friends whom i can write about coz sometimes thoughts are so over powering that u just cant put them in words. then there are a acqintances - they are important mind you but since i dont interact with them very often or for a long conversation it aint the best thing to write about them with half baked information, u never know whom u may hurt with those razor sharp words.

not all incidents are worth writing nor are all the ups and downs worth writing coz its a part of life and it is bound to exist. there are just a hand full of people or limited conversations that are striking enough for me to write in my blog. they ahve to be intriguing or have to be absolutely mindfucking for me to write. these
conversations and incidents, though few happen on a daily basis which is enough food for thought.

this blog started off as a vent out for the heartbreak that was caused some 3 years back... but then its done now...

Humare pyar ki kahani ek jharokha tha
kash humein kisi ne tab roka hota
askhon aur yaadon mein guzare yeh din, raat aur saal
kash kisi ne tab haale dil sunaya toh hota

Made By You!

Check this out. Innovative concept. a concert shot by its fans! how cool is that.catch the series on air starting 23rd Feb, fridays 8pm only on channel [v]

Stars

have you ever looked at the sky on a cloudless night and seeing the star left u in a ponder and a state of awe as to what they are and what they are made of?

Thats a humane trait coz when we see someone who appeals to us we, feel the same! you look upto them and wonder what they are made of, who they are and what kind of people they are and what would they be in person?

thats the comparison coz we ll are stars in our own rights and deserve the splendour and the awe at some occasions, coz we are worth it!

Stars have a pun to them... which being in 2 manners, first you are star as in a rockstar, as in the star who steals the show, someone who gets appraisal, someone who gets the much awaited pat on the back... there is another star... someone who sees the stars in the day...

there is a pleasure that surrounds a star gaze... its so serene and calm, its so pleasing... i try and star gaze everytime i can, (considering the pollution in mumbai, the star gazes are not possible very often). its gives u a sense of vastness, a sense of acceptance that u are being watch upon by someone who is out there... there is a twinkle that might save a day for you.

it would be an ideal date... i would wanna go star gazing on a empty beach at midnight and be there till the stars go to sleep and there is the begining of a bright new day!

the starlight is bring on somedays and none on some,
its the search for that special one,
the star that guides us through the nite,
shines on us nd never lets us out of sight

looking for someone who would fill the darkness with the light of joy
aint impressing anyone with a hook, crook or ploy
waiting game is the way to be,
she'll come stargaze someday with me!

The Reason!

I am a person of very little words! i'm not very vocal about my life and experiences, i like to stay slightly aloof and within my own circle of existance... its not that i dont interact with people or dont like being with people but there are only a very select few who are a part of this sharing!

I like to live in a world of ablivion and denial sometimes. but oblivion is what i choose! its keeps me occupied, it keeps me in the thick of things and in the action that i choose to create and live with. there is so much that is within me... so much that i could ramble on and on! but then i dont want to ramble it to someone who might lose interest mid way. Thats why this blog exists... i dont have anything to hide, i dont have anything to be scared of, but i have a lot to say, and i will...

there are so many things that are within us, that remains untold! there is so much that we have to say but cant or dont want to share it with anyone! but i want to say and i wanna express it! its so comfortable that i can write it out, let it out and share it with anyone i want! whenever i want, however i want. i know people who would love to read it., for whatever reasons that they may have!

it has its own darwbacks though, since u dont say a lot, people take you for granted and treat u with lesser respect than they should. its quite a piss off sometimes or should i say most of the times, thats when u decide to rebel and write something that i did not want to say it on their face.

aazoon bahate ho kisi aur ke liye aur apni palkhon mein hi panah chahte ho,
ek muskaan se duniya jeenta chahte ho
jazbaaton ki zubaan hoti toh kya hota mere yaar
har aarzu ko tola jaata zindagi ke sarre bazaar!!

(you shed tears for someone else and expect to home them in your eyes
want to win the owrld with your smile
if emotions had a voice what would have it been like
every aspiration would have been weighed in the market of this life)

its simple, even simpler is the existance of this blog and i dont wanna voice my aspirations and emotions, people dont care, people dont wanna listen to someone else they have their own battles to fight, they have their own issues and mid life crisis'. i choose to live in this oblivion and i dont wanna come out, i hope that in the coming time i find my complete shell and come out only when it matters the most!

i am going back, i am going into that coccoon that sheltered me for all this whiles, the real me is not that, the real me is not known, no one has ever tried to understand me and figure how i am, who i am and i dont think anyone ever will. if you are reading this and have figured me and understod me to any extent, then u are the friend that i have been looking for.

back to the oblivion!

Things that were! Things that would be...

Now when i look back at the past, i dont fret, i dont feel bad about the decisions that i took or the stands that i had to take... somethings are good... eventually u realise that it was worth it... its the feeling of triumph that matters.... did i learn something? did i win something? what i lost was it something that really would have changed my life? probably yes but then this life that i am living is good... nooo... its great!

its the future that bothers us... its the feeling of security that matters... i aint saying that i have secured the best future... that would hardly be a statement for a 24 year old... but then thank god its not a mid life crisis... i am taking steps to have a bright future... bought a house... thats the biggest achievement in the past 24 years and yes a house in the city of dreams... Mumbai.... its gonna be a 20 year tenure that i would need to pay back... but its an investment like no other... i dont need to worry.

A lot of things change... a lot has changed and a lot will change... but something stick with you no matter... somethings are so stuck to you that it feels like a haunt.. its something that u would never wanna let go of... u hold thse things tight with a strangle like grip... then u realise that u are actually strangling it and the u losen the grip and things get out of hand and fly out... unsurity! u dont know if it will come back or no... u always fret that wish i had been consistent through out and then there is something that comes and spooks you and u realise that the past was the prolouge and this is better and its bound to get better....

Its like the butterfly effect (chaos theory) but then not literally coz its not the easiest and the simplest thing to happen.i believe in destiny but i also belive that we end up writing our own destiny with our actions and little or no help from anyone... yes its true... there is you..there are ur actions and then there is your life that is a combination of you and the actions... thats what makes u a person that u are annd helps you go on with whats in store for you...

somethimes u are at the edge of sanity and sometimes insanity... its the quest of maintaining the balance that u always wanted to maintan... but it wont ever happen... if it does then u are perfect... i am lazy sometimes... i am stuck up sometimes... i get irritated sometime but at other times i am the complete opposite! i try and maintain my sainity to whatever extent i can...

i ahve lost friends in the past and i have gained some... till i was 18 years it really did not matter coz i did not hold on to the people who would have stuck to me for the rest of my life... but now i have a selected few from all my phases of life... there are all kinds of people... i had a penpal from the US, i have SMS buddies with whom i would have spoken in the past year or so... i have online friends whose number i dont have... then there are others whom i meet everyday or are in touch with them on a daily basis! its a great feeling to be able to share things with so many people... but there are only a select few who are close to my heart and would mean the world to me!

forget the past, keep the learnings... embrace the future with all you got... thats what keep u going on...

Afterglow

Beautiful Song...Awesome Lyrics!

Coincidence

If wishes were horses i would ride them! it was a wish that i told a friend about and in a jiffy it came true! it was as if a fairy sitting on me just waiting to grant me that wish, had i asked for something else, it would have come true too (well thats what most of us choose to believe).

none the less this wish was about meeting someone interesting and how boring my life was and what a pathetic was to spend the weekend by attending some pre marriage function at a relatives place. and then she goes that there is a friend of hers who reads my blog very often and she was inquisitive if i was in touch with my friend, in a fit of my canny frame of mind i told her that ask ur friend if she wants to be in touch with me and stuff...

the next thing i knew is that i am chatting up with someone i dont know, but since this lady has been reading my life (read blog) knows almost everything about me! she is a fan of my blog and reads it as often as possible... but then she convinces me that she aint a stalker, yet knows a lot about me... i am in a fix and i just go with the flow of the conversation to try and impress her (u know how we guys are, but i did not lie about whatever we spoke about) - she wont know this till the time this blog is posted and she reads it (i myself will send a link to this post to her)

anyways the conversation progressed and we soon realised that what was happening was super surreal! there were similarities right from likes to dislikes to spending an evening, favourite colour, first impressions of people about her, about me, drinks, experimentations and stuff. i cant tell u how freaky it was to meet someone who is so so so similar to u! it sometimes is unbelieveable that something like this could happen! i pushed my luck to ask her out for a dinner and a drink (read date) and considering that she is so similar to me, she turned it down as a politely as possible and i really appreciate it coz it speaks a lot about a person!!!

i told her that i am inspired to write a post on this, she was super kicked to read it, she is waiting as i am writing this post, honestly i am not making things up or trying to portray things in a different light coz this has never happened to me before and probably will never happen again, such things in life are meant to be cherished and carried with you all throughout!

its simply amazing how we ignore some people without realising their worth or how interesting would they be! i am a quiet person and dont usually talk much unless of course with a select few... not usually with strangers and that too online! but this was different and this was interesting i couldnt stop rattling!! its an amazing high in itself!

cheers to the budding friendship! i wont forget this day for a long time to come and definitely this from of meeting someone who is like a mirror image!