Introspection

its 6 o clock in the morning. i havent slept a wink. i am in introspection. i am thinking to myself, about the things good and bad, smiling at times and frowning at others.

there are those good times, there are those bad times. there are those good things and there are those bad things. there are moments that i repent about, there are those moments that i cherish.

i am 24 and what have i done with my life. i have baggage. baggage that i'd like to dump. i have had just one relationship and i got dumped. my ex girlfriend things i am a loser at time and a great person at others. some of my colleagues think that i know it all and i am a great person to work with. my bosses thing that i lack initiative, i have lost the touch and the fire within.

some of my friends call me their big brother. sometimes i dont have any friends at all. i am not social at all. i hate going for family functions and hate meeting relatives, i am 20 kgs overweight and i know, i have a job thats not as exciting as it used to be. i was never a party person, i still aint but my job needs me to be otherwise. my socialising has been reduced. my ideal weekend its with a friend at the nearest tapri for a smoke. he too is leaving in a week for switzerland and he'd be gone for a year.

then there are a bunch of friends whom i chat with everyday. and i cherish it totally. i infact look forward to it. my finances are screwed, i am in debt but i am trying to get out of it. my blog is
something that i take pride in coz its a part of me. its a part of my life. it reflects my likes and dislikes. my blog carves the path of my development as a human being.

i like to be updated with stuff. but only stuff that interests me. but yet i am far behind. a couple of my friends say that i like in 2018 but i dont really think so, i might still be in october 2006, 3 months behind schedule.

i miss people. i miss some people. i havent been in love for the past 3 years. i have had just 2 crushes. i am still a virgin. i have had bad experiences when i tried to help some people. i have been greedy at times and selfless at others. i have been loved (i think)!! i wanna go for a holiday. some place where i can switch off my phone and be with myself. i dont know if that wud ever happen.

i have made some friends and lost some. i have liked some, envyed some, and fought with some but been in touch with man. i have a long list of friends on orkut. but i perfer chattings with probably less than 10 from that list. i have liked a lot of women in the past. but nothing has materialsed with anyone. its always a case of i tell them about my feelings and then develops a distance, i have given up. its not meant to be.

i dont know why i am writing this post. but its dedicated to all my friends and foes, my near and dear ones. its a update bulletin about my life. been thinking a lot and some times not at all. just writing the random thoughts that .ome to mind. if some one reads this, please lemme know if there is some sense in it.

peace!

love & respect

Conversations!

This is a conversation of yesterday! its a conversation that sparked a lot of happiness, a lot enthusiasm, a lot of fun and a general happy feeling.

Its a conversation between my "special" friend and me about the special someone!!! its so true! i am so happy. i am so restless. i dont know what to do. i dont wanna sit at one place!!!

my special friend said that the love is selfless! the love is without any conditions. its LOVE ACTUALLY! well i say that only someone as special as that special someone could understand that. i believe that this special friend is as special as that special someone in her own right!!

I told her that i just LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE the special someone. she just smiled and said "sahi hai bhedu!!!!" She asked me that what did this special someone do now? nothing! thats the best part. love her for everything and nothing

She : its self less unconditional love....... awesome

me: seeing her and chatting with her makes me so happy yaa. even though i am not expecting anything from her but still i love her

She: :) that is love honey.....give all ask for nothing

me: and she is even more warm and sweet to me after i told her :) its a great great cloud no 9 feeling man

She: :) happy sahil...... giant happy i say

me: anyone who is with her would the luckiest man alive she is worth loving... selflessly... unconditionally....

She: hehhehehhehehe u r like mad in love........... :) dekh ke mazaa aa raha hai!!!! i mean kinda reminds 1 of "crazy in love"

me: lol its such a high... if there is anyone i think of these days its her... today i met her at a traffic signal when i was on my way back home...

She: man u r raving mad

Me : she seemed happy to see me... not happier than i was though

She: is it possible to be happier than u r!!!!!

Me : i dont know if its possible or not

She: ya.....that is why they say it aint easy to find true love

me: everytime i meet her in office she meets me with a BIG HUG :) :) :) :) :)

She: see some women r just so awesome :)

U know what? That special someone is awesome, yes!!! but this special friend is awesome too!!! she is awesome coz she understands me! she knows me! she shares things with me! she feels happy when i am happy and she shares my sad moments!!

Thanks for all the support! u rock!!!

Thinking!

I dont know why but even after telling that special someone about my special thoughts and the feeling that i have for her, i still cant get it out of my head and its just stuck up there with no respite!

i met her today everything seemed normal, or atleast i think so... or probably she is accustomed to it! but that elation was still there and that happy feeling is there and its a divided feeling!!! my head spins sometimes and i smile and feel happy sometimes!!

Life is always a mixed back... life is good, boring, irritating, turbulent, ignorant, bliss, sorted, complex, enjoyable, chilled out, relaxed, confusing, random, silent! so many feeling either one at a time or sometimes all togther! complexity!

why does that happen? i mean u feel that feeling inside when u have things bottled up and then that same feeling comes up when u have let it lose, thinking that u are the rockstar going around and once u have said it there would be nothing left to feel!

Wrong!!!

i am experiencing it right now and i can vouch that its not the best feeling ever! u are mentally drained and u cant do anything but just try and think of not to think about it! and it just eats u up on the inside! when i met her today i did not know how to react nd what to say to her... her nice loud and giggly hi remained a hi and no conversation happened further, i dont know if it would have been the same on any other day but yeah today seemed different at my end!

its a phase maybe, its a new thing, it shall pass too as a lot of other things have passed but not from my mind! i still remember all my crushes and still think about them when i am by myself and also wonder where would they be and what would they be upto, i dont have their contact details and wish there was a way to get in touch with them, what a feeling...but there haven been many as such, i can count them on the fingers of one hand!

such is life, such has been my love life! nothing great, never alive, never kicking, never what i dreamt of it to be! i have no issues about it...

but, sometimes it pricks somewhere inside!!!

Meaning

A friend of mine sent me a message sayign that "nobody will ever remember how u look, how u speak, what u did or anything else. But the only thing that they remember is how u made them feel"

just pondering over it, i realsied how true this is, there are so many times u meet so many people and u choose to ignore them, by chance or by choice!

then there are other times, when u get a sms like this, the first person u forward it to is someone who is top of your mind and who u know would understand and appreciate that thought behind!!

The you refelct your thoughts back onto the times when u have been mean to people and ignored them and not given them the due respect that they deserved!

sometimes i feel bad! now i feel bad! but i cant do much about it!

peace!

Elation

I am very happy!! i told that someone special that she is special! so i am happy about that! she is so genuine that the reply that she gave made me feel so happy and on top of the world! and not many people know about my expression to this someone special, except 2!

she is so believable that there is never an element of doubt in your mind when she tells you something, so its about her and the great person she is.... i honestly would like to be with someone like her!

she has no air about her and she is so down to earth! there is no awkwardness about the whole situation, no half baked lies and no wanting to please the other person by being kind and nice... its all so real, all so genuine!

i was never expecting a reply, the purpose of writing the previous post was to express myself and let it be known to her, coz i have always believed that its best to tell someone how u feel rather than not saying it at all and then thinking about it for the rest of your life!!! she being what she is, was nice in replying to me and making me feel top of the world in return!

so i said it... i just had to, there was no way out! considering thats she is someone UP there, and she puts it... i aint far behind!

Maybe it wasnt meant to be, maybe it wasnt my destiny... but as she says there is someone incredible in my destiny... i would just let it be!

thanks a billion! really appreciate it!

you rock!!

Someone! Someone Special!

what do u do if you like someone, but u also know that nothing is gonna turn out even if u tell her. each passing day u share certain things with her that u might not have shared with a very few people!

u look forward to meet her whenever u can. but also have this feeling within u that says no u are not cool enough or close enough to her. there are others who mean much much more to her.

then also there is a celebrity factor that attached to her, there would be people who like her more than i do, they are way up there and i am somewhere down below amongst a few 10000000... she knows me coz she has worked with me and it is strictly professional and nothingmore, but yeah there is a small friendship thats developing.

she is the coolest person i have met and she is also very very caring. has a sense of humour that i'd die for (goes without saying, its apart of her job) she isnt the glamourous and steamy kinds but theresure is more to her that attracts people. its also the warmth that makes u feel so so so comfortable with her that u never need to think twice when u share things.

you always have the feeling that she understands you completely and is always there to help u and advice you. she is a gem of a person and i really like her. she is someone whom i really cant find words todescribe, she is like the best person, she is so cool and she is hot too!

but she is a celebrity and my liking can be shunned as celebrityinfactuation. but for me she is a friend first and celebrity later.why dont i tell her, well i have hinted it to her and she is smart and she knows it too...

i told a friend about it and he said whats the point in writing apost, just go and say it but i think i write better than i say it and it was extremly difficult to explain it to him.. but i know nothing is ever gonna happen about it and i will have to move on...

but not until i send this post to her, which i already have.

no offence to you. just had to express it. sorry if i said something wrong

Cheers!!

Past

Is it a possibilty that u can talk someone out of a situation? and what is the probability that that person would get out of the situtation on just your word?

I thing that its zilch! no amount of consoling and cajoling can get u to talk someone out of something or some situation! it has to come from within, its has to be from the inside!

How true! i couldnt agree more! its so true! its the perfect start to the blame game... u take a wrong decision, u blame it on life... u take do something right and fruitful and u are not far from taking the credit. its so true, it happens to everyone! its the most common occurance!!!

People say that u should learn from the past and not repeat what u have done... u should take the whole experience as a learning... but how many times are we faced with the same situation and we end up taking a different option than before and we find ourself that the thing has gone from bad to worse, what are ur options then? i dont know there are not many options when u are in situations!!

there are times when so many things when u just cant control a situation or simply have to give into circumstances!! whats the way out? time! its a great healer they say... i agree to some extent, i have experienced it and i can vouch for it! its also true that it is easier to forget the good past, but the old past just sticks to u, even if u want it or not!

i know people who cry and moan over the past...i have just one question.... is that cry and moaning gonna affect the past? its that crying and moaning gonna change peoples outlook towards you? whats the point?

The past is a prolouge... the prolouge is the onset to the present and the future... something that is gonna come and will be yours... some day

its about you! its about your future! its about how u plan to take it forward... its a double edged sword! u are responsible for your own actions! but u can regret the past!

i dont wanna blame it on life... i know its the people who make the most simple things so complicated... n then blame it on life!

life aint a bitch! people are IDIOTS! (no offences to anyone, I am one of them)

so be it!

Me!

Saw this mail from someone and i had to answer these questions and send it back! which i did (or did i???) and the thought it would be great to put it here....

read on!

1. . FIRST NAME? Sahil

2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? No, my mum and dad picked the name. its means the 'shore' in arabic!

3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? Dont know! are guys supposed to reveal such things? ok i guess about 3 months back

4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Yeah, only when i have all the time in world to write something.

5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAL? Butter chicken and Laccha Paratha

6. KIDS? Do i have or do i like? well i dont have em as of now! yeah but i do like the sober ones!

7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Yeah, completely, I guess! (Now is that trick question?)

8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? Yes my journal is my blog! its my reflection of the inside! my friends say that if u read my blog from the begining its traces my development as an individual

9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? No not really. i dislike sarcasm so i dont use it!

10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Oh really? do i??? i dont know? am i supposed to? whatever!

11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Sure. would love the thrill. but i question is that - will the bungee cord support me? aint feather weight so to speak.

12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Can we talk about the CEREAL that starts with 'S'? been long that i ate CEREAL. Does that sound SURREAL?

13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? No. I untie them when i wear them! :)

14. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? I think so! a palmist once told me that dont hit anyone. u could really hurt them. havent put my strength to test after that!

15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? Chocolate all the way baby!

16. SHOE SIZE? Formal - 11. Sport - 11.5 or 12 depending on the brand

17. RED OR PINK? Red Rules!

18. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? I am a package! how can i hate JUST one thing?

19. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? Well, right now its… cant remember anyone!

20. YOUR FAVOURITE OUTFIT? My torn jeans. my yellow t shirt. my silver sneakers!

21. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? i am wearing Khakhi (half)pants and i am barefoot

22. LAST THING YOU ATE? Aloo Gobi and Paratha & some Dal Chawal

23. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Jay-Z

24. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Black! Deep, Cold, calm, composed

25. FAVORITE SMELL? Coffee Beans

26. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Niraj

27. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO? Presentibility.

28. BEST SAME SEX BUDDY? Has to be Mitech

29. FAVORITE DRINK? Banana shake. vodka. cold coffee

30. FAVORITE SPORT? F1, MotoGP, Go karting, Cricket

31. EYE COLOR? Dark Brown

32. HAT SIZE? I am not in england dude! i dont wear hats. Do helmets count?

33. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Sharp eyes! touch wood!

34. FAVORITE FOOD? Ma ke haath ka khana!

35. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? Happy Ending.

36. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED AT THE MOVIES? Casino Royale

37. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Black

38. SUMMER OR WINTER? Winter. The chill is good!

39. HUGS OR KISSES? Hugs!

40. FAVORITE DESSERT? Chocolate Mousse

41. FAVOURITE HOLIDAY DESTINATION? Somewhere alone! cell phone off! my music! my book! and my movie collection. holy shit.... when is this gonna happen

42. BEST GIFT YOU EVER RECEIVED? My Bike!

43. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? Shantaram

44. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? I dont have a mouse pad. with optical mice u dont need a pad

45. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? A time to kill. Nice Movie

46. FAVORITE SOUNDS? Hip Hop beats. Trance tunes.

47. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Hey where is the 3rd option?

48. THE FURTHEST YOU'VE BEEN FROM HOME? Now. 2746 kms away

49. WHAT'S YOUR SPECIAL TALENT? My Blog. My best way of powerful communication.
50. WHEN AND WHERE WERE YOU BORN? 3rd october 1982. Agra. Uttar Pradesh.

Communicado

Been wondering for a while now! been wondering whats wrong with Ver2.5? is there a bug?? is there an error in the program? is it me? or is it just them?

the fact of the matter is, after a long thought to the whole series of wondering and the questions being listed is that i aint sure if my theory is strong enought to go ahead with or not! but still its a personal opinion!

i have a friend... yes the one whom i found after a long time. this friend and i are 1400 kms away! these 1400 kms arent really a hinderance! neither is being in touch!

off late there has been a lapse in the communicado, attribution of the reasoning? None! its a time factor i guess! its also a priority factor! (i dont have a problem being somewhere later in the priority list)! its a issue of a battle being fought within oneself... analysis, worry, planning, future, straightening things out! Granted!

Been a while we actually interacted. been missing the interactions. been thinking about the friend's well being. been kinda waiting to hear from the friend. not been doing anything but kinda thinking.

whats the reason? friend is too busy? i am not available? i am busy? whatever it is...

i know its gonna be back! its gonna be back on track!